Thursday, April 21, 2011

One year

It’s been long but short; trying though still rewarding; boring yet productive; sin-saturated albeit insightful.  There have been days filled with great encouragement, and days that I just wanted to stay in the bed and cover my head.  I’ve met some unusually interesting people, as well as others that I don’t care to ever cross paths with again – especially in a dark alley.  It’s been very educational at times and then grossly dumbing and void of any substance at others.  As of today I’ve been in jail one year – it’s been the “poster child” as far as “roller coaster” experiences are concerned, I must say.

BUT…
It’s been GOOD!

What? (you may be saying to yourself)

How?

Why?

…because of the Truths that the Holy Spirit revealed to us through the Apostle Paul in Romans 8:28.  Yes, in ALL things God “works for the GOOD of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

Do not construe the meaning of this verse.  It was not meant as a lemonade out of lemons, positive thinking, self-help proclamation of encouragement to be used by just anybody and everybody who happens to stumble across this promise.  It is a fact that is pertinent only to those who truly love Him – those who have repented of their rebellious status and have laid down their self-seeking, self-reliant, sin filled lives to the love and Lordship of Jesus Christ.

What then is the GOOD that is promised to those that love Him – to those that are His?  What is the GOOD that could come from this seemingly bad situation?  Is it that God is going to make it all okay?  Or that consequences for past wrongs will disappear?  That jail will be easy?  That every day will be a bed of roses?  Of course…you know this…the answer is NO!  The ultimate goal and ultimate end of any and every situation and circumstance that God allows “those who love Him” to go through is for but one purpose…and that purpose is revealed in the very next verse, verse 29.

“For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son”

What is the ultimate goal and ultimate end?  To be conformed to the likeness of His Son –

to make us like Christ. 

Period!

God uses this jacked up, chronically and terminally ill, evil world we live in, as well as our self-centered and self-inflicted WRONG to make us RIGHT.  These are merely instruments He uses to mold and shape us to be more like Jesus each and every day.  That’s the GOOD. 

There’s no sugar coating it, these past 19 months (7 after I got caught before I was sentenced, and 12 in jail) have been challenging and trying – BUT – they have been GOOD.  God has taken me to task, revealing hidden false beliefs about Him, myself, and the world.  They had to be corrected – 

they were killing me.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, but in the same way, Lump has been molded and shaped through this situation as well.  Individually, we have been experiencing different molding and shaping but with the same ultimate goal and same ultimate end.  Not only has it drawn us closer to each other but much closer to Him.

So, the question is not WHY am I experiencing this or that, but WHAT, God, are you trying to teach me through this experience that will make me more like Christ?  Help me see the GOOD. 

Big love…

…from the inside…ray-ray






Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Learning to read

He was 32 years old, a gang member, finishing out his second stint in “the joint” when I met him.  The first stint was a five year stretch “down the road” (prison) for attempted murder.  This one,  a year for a far less offense.  He was a product of the system – pre “no child left behind” – one missed, passed along in school, left behind…why?  Good question.  That’s the mystery.  Everything changed his eleventh grade year when he got in trouble and was sent to a (last) alternative school and made to ride the short bus.  Eventually he dropped out and hit the streets.  The rest is obvious.

I’d heard stories, even seen documentaries on ESPN about student athletes who were pushed through school with passing grades merely because they could throw a football with accuracy or nail a three point shot.  But Alan (not his real name) didn’t fit this category.  He wasn’t an athlete.  Alan was just a kid from the inner city – as inner city as one can be from Lynch-vegas.  There lies the mystery – the why?  Why and how did he make it all the way to the eleventh grade without being able to read?  Now when I say “without being able to read” I don’t mean he had trouble or that he read at a low primary school level.  

Alan couldn’t read a lick – zip, nada…zero!


I have to admit that fear rushed through my body when I was first approached – the kind of timidity that goes along with “what have I got myself into”!  It was one of those scenarios when your mouth leads before your brain has the opportunity to think.  Sort of like a knee jerk reaction.  I hadn’t been at the correctional facility that I’m currently held very long when one of the guards approached me and asked if I’d ever taught.  He knew that I’d worked at a university, and I guess from that he reasoned that I had been a professor of some sort - which actually couldn’t be further from reality.  Sure, I’ve taught…leadership classes, addiction seminars as well as Christian growth and discipleship courses…but I’m neither a professor nor a teacher by formal training.  Hence, how my mouth got ahead of my brain – in a knee jerk sort of way – and I quickly said yes to his question without listening to the entire proposal.  The guard wanted to know if I’d be willing to teach Alan…how to read.  Now, it took me about 30 seconds to realize what I’d just agreed to – then it hit me – READ!!!  I didn’t have a clue how to teach someone to read!  In fact, back in school, reading definitely wasn’t my strong suit – just ask my fourth grade special reading teacher (which would actually be impossible…she’s gone down the road too, but in a different sense of the word).  But there I was – color me stupid – committed to teach Alan how to read.  

God help me.  

No, it was more like God help Alan!

The bottom line of it all was I didn’t even know where to start.  However, it didn’t take me long to figure it out after our first session.  The beginning, the very beginning was going to be our point of entry. So on our second meeting I wrote the 26 letters of the alphabet on a dry erase board and taught Alan the difference between consonants and vowels, along with their respective sounds.  


Needless to say, it was a slow process.  One filled with both frazzled frustration and extreme exhilaration at every turn.  But as we ground it out, slowly but surely, session after session, twenty-four after twenty-four, Alan began to get it.  The funny thing is…I’m not sure who was learning more – him or me?  Alan, at age 32, building upon the basics was learning to read.  

On the other hand, I, “the teacher”, was relearning the importance of 

relying and applying basic life principles in my own life.

In fact, if you read my previous post entitled “doing time – linking twenty-fours” then you’ve already had a taste of one of the basic principles that God reminded me of while teaching Alan.  As I mentioned earlier, each day in the classroom presented different challenges.  At times Alan would become frustrated because he didn’t feel he was progressing as fast as he thought he should.  So in order to encourage him, I would go back to a lower level reading book and have him read.  After he would breeze through the assignment, I’d point out to him how far he had come and then go on to coach him on the importance of doing the best he could in each twenty-four and how by linking them together he would – twenty-four by twenty-four – ultimately achieve his goal of learning how to read.  It was from my own coaching that God began to remind me of the importance of living and linking twenty-fours in my own life.  If you haven’t had a chance to read my post “doing time – linking twenty-fours”, give it a read.  It goes into greater detail explaining more of what I’m talking about.

Even if I were to try and explain what the environment and atmosphere of jail is like, it would fall ridiculously short of reality.  It’s one of those location things – unless you’ve been there, it’s impossible to imagine.  But in order to make my next point, let me take a stab (no pun intended) at describing it.  It’s a stress-filled hyperbaric environment, doused with a Middle School mentality and behavior that is poisoned with applauded rebellion, inflamed worldliness and unadulterated evil, where the things of God are grossly misunderstood and/or flat out blasphemed.  

You must constantly stand guard against these things or risk being sucked in.

On occasion there were times when, for various reasons, Alan and I were not allowed to go over to the classroom to study for several days in a row.  When we were finally allowed to get back at it, I noticed that it would take Alan longer to get in the groove of things as opposed to when we were able to read and study day after day.  I also noticed that these time lapses were a source, if not the main component of most of his learning frustrations!  It was through Alan’s frustrations that I learned the importance of consistently keeping the reading lessons in front of him on a day-to-day basis.  In turn this reminded me how very important it is to keep the things of God in front of me daily as well.  I realized that most of my own frustration within this hyperbaric petri dish on steroids can be traced back to…a lapse in days - a lapse in days of keeping the things of God in front of me.  In order to stand against the distractions and confusions of life, I must remind myself about the TRUTH of God daily.  Why?  Because the sum of the matter is, the world we live in is manufactured, manipulated and marketed based on a LIE – a lie shrouded with self-centered, self-conscious and self-seeking lures that deceive us into thinking the world revolves around us.

-         Take what you want.
-         Do what you please.
-         Others don’t matter.
-         Promote yourself.
-         You can be your own god (the ultimate of all lies).

Left to our own thinking for very long, anyone of use can fall prey to the deterioration of the LIE.  But know this –

the TRUTH trumps the lie every time!

And the TRUTH is God’s WORD!


When I remind myself daily of who God is – who I’m not – but most importantly who I am in Christ, by His grace, I am able to endure and persevere through the craziness of the lies this world can dish out.
These two lessons that I learned while teaching Alan how to read are merely examples of the plethora of things Alan taught me.  It’s experiences like this that make me smile, shake my head and appreciate the Creator of all creation in a fresh new way.  God is never short on tools that He uses to shape, mold and teach His children.  Role reversal was His tool selection this time – I only thought I was the teacher.

Big love…

…from the inside…ray-ray





Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Randoms…

Mail Call

Mail time in jail is similar to the old mail call scenes from the infamous war movies of the 1940’s and 50’s – it’s a time of great hope and anticipation – the inmates call it “getting love.”  So to all of you that have showed the love by writing and sending cards and/or letters…THANK YOU!!  Your words of encouragement and promises of prayer mean a lot!  You have no idea.

And to those of you who have commented on the blogs and/or sent emails or Facebook messages to Lump – thanks and appreciation to you as well.  It’s encouraging to know that our mess has blessed.

TV

Ever wonder what inmates watch on TV?  Probably not, but I’ve come to find it quite interesting as well as amusing.  You’d be surprised to know that their choice of programming does not match the rough and ready to throw fists portrait depicted so often on the prison shows.  So to defuse the hardness of the hardened criminal bit, I thought I’d shed a little light on their “must see TV” choices.

Day time: Yes, you guessed it…you bet…Soap operas.  Like a housewife from the 1970’s, some of the guys never miss an episode of General Hospital or the likes thereof.  Oh too, to hear them chat it up about who did what to whom as well as talk about the characters as though they know them personally always brings a sly little grin to my face.


Additionally, a day wouldn’t be complete without them catching the latest skank and skanket on Tyra, Jerry or Maury.  Want to draw a crowd in jail?  Put on an episode of midget strippers or “who’s the daddy” and watch them flock to the tube.  It’s simply amazing.

Here’s one that will probably sock you – believe it or not, but Rachel Ray (no kin) is a favorite too.  Not that any of them do a lot of cooking.  Hmmm….let’s see…maybe it has something to do with the “special guests” Rachel has on there from time to time.

News time:  The news also draws quite a congregation – but the local and national happenings aren’t the draw.  Neither is it the weather or sports – and it’s certainly not the local commercials or more that pull them in.  So what’s the draw to the six o’clock news? … the local crime report of course!  But they don’t watch it so much to see what crimes have been committed – they watch it to see who they know.  The funny thing is 9 out of 10 times somebody in the group knows the accused culprit.


Night time and/ or weekends: These are guys, right?  So you’d think that there’d be a lot of sports watched. NOT!!  Shocked? … me too.  Oh don’t get me wrong; when the cars that continuously turn to the left come on the tube, they’re there in droves rooting for their favorite NASCAR driver.  But other than NFL football and the occasional Friday night “smack down”, sports are pretty much amiss.  That leaves a lot of air time to be filled during the evening and weekend hours.  So what do these hardened criminals watch to fill all those vacant hours….

CHICK FLICKS!

Can you believe this?  I mean, not that I’m above sitting and watching a chick movie with the Lump and all that, but to sit with “Bubba” and the boys and watch Beaches…?  There’s just something with this reoccurring scenario that screams “this is totally wrong!”

And who’d have ever thunk that while a countless conglomeration of females across the nation gather in front of their tubes on Monday nights to watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, that the boys behind bars would be sitting shoulder to shoulder discussing amongst themselves who they think might get a rose this week? 


Are you kidding me?!

It doesn’t stop there.  I was shocked to walk into the “day area” one night and find them all nestled together watching…Dancing with the Stars – but I was absolutely floored when I realized…THEY WATCH IT EVERY WEEK! 

How these choices must befuddle the Nelson Ratings folk.

So there you have it, instead of the People’s Choice Awards, The Criminal Choice Awards.  Slightly different than you suspected, huh?  SO the next time you see the portrayal of inmates as hardcore unreachable, unrehabilitatable citizens, just remember…

there’s a softer side to the sentenced.

…from the inside…ray-ray




Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Doing time – linking twenty-fours

They call it “doing time” – being in jail that is.  I’ve heard many of the inmates dish out advice, “let the time serve you instead of your serving the time.”  There’s a lot of truth and wisdom in that statement.  Simply explained, it means using the place you are at and the time you’ve been given to the fullest and best of your ability.  The truth of the matter is whether you are confined behind the walls of a prison or free in society, we are all some place “doing time.”  

Twenty-four hours is twenty-four hours – in or out. 

No one receives extra.  

No one receives less.

Freedom and responsibility are twin sisters – they go hand in hand.  When a man is stripped of his freedom, the level of his responsibilities diminishes accordingly.  Contrariwise, where there is freedom, there is a greater level of responsibility and many more things to manage.  But still yet, time does not change – 

twenty-four hours is twenty-four hours – in or out.

In this place called jail, my responsibilities and what I have to manage are not much.  All that I possess in here is contained within a two-by-two metal lockbox underneath a military style bunk that is meagerly adorned with a green mattress (which is actually a stretch of a description – it’s more like a mat that one would use in Pilates).


My wardrobe management has minimized as well – jail is not the place for a fashion show.  There’s the standard orange jumper (pronounced “jumpa” with the emphasis on the A) that you’ve seen so often on many of the court and cop TV shows.  Concealed beneath the jumper and usually never seen by the general public, but now exposed exclusively to the reads of “from the inside,” are the simple blue gym shorts with white trim that scream 1980’s P.E. class.  And then, of course, the essentials: white undershirts, white boxers and white socks – standard apparel items that can be purchased at any department store for a quarter of the price that they cost in jail.  Yes, you are correct; they do not furnish these items.  You must purchase them from the jail – and the smiley happy face of savings at your local Wal-mart does not reside within the walls.

Last, but certainly not least, footwear – one vintage pair of white Riddle tennis shoes that I wouldn’t be caught dead in outside of these walls, but at the present, I’m very pleased to have.  The alternative is a pair of black Velcro clasp “prison shoes” called, no lie, “Cruizers.”  Imagine completely blacked out Converse Chuck Taylors, with Velcro instead of shoe laces only 100 times nerdier and you’re pretty close to Cruizers.  Oh how they scream ugly…and cheap.

By the way, most of this prison garb is made by the Bob Barker Company.  Rumor has it that this is the same Bob Barker that is famous for telling us to “come on down!” as well as asking us to have our pets spayed and neutered.  Or it could just be one of those infamous jailhouse tails.  Although it’s a lot more fun to believe the rumor.


As for the responsibility and management of the daily grind – meals are served at the same time everyday – 6:30am, 12 noon, and 4:30pm.  At times, on the outside, I’ve tried unsuccessfully to not eat after 8:00pm in order to shed a few unwanted pounds.  Now I have the help I needed! (Smile)

The lights come on at the same time every morning – 6am, and go off at the same time every night – 12 midnight.  Holidays and weekends are barely distinguishable from any other day.  After a while you begin to mark time by what shift of guards are working.  Day by day, days link together and time passes, but…

twenty-four is twenty-four – in or out!

Though in the physical realm we are held by time and space, in our minds, at any given time we are capable of living in three different places – the past, the present and the future.  Deep within the recesses of the memory bank of our minds are innumerable memories of experiences we have lived.  Each of these memories has a residual emotion attached to them that are a remnant of the feeling we experienced at the time of the actual event.  What’s amazing is that at any given time and sometimes out of nowhere, we are able to recall these experiences, play them over again in our minds, and actually feel the emotions that are attached to them.  It’s a glorious give and take phenomenon.

We feel proud when we recall a graduation, promotion, accomplishment or award we received years before; happiness and joy when we replay the birth of a child, that first kiss or a special vacation across the screen of our mind.  We can even feel a rush of calm wash over us when we recall a majestic sunset from a special time of our life.

However, we must take the bad with the good.

Mingled within those favorable memories are the not so pleasant ones of past failures, regrets, poor choices, being wronged and doing wrong – we all have them.  They haunt us with feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, shame, remorse, and despair.  Unfortunately, all too often these are the memories and emotions that we tend to dwell on and allow to slowly whittle away our strength and self-worth.  If we’re fortunate, with time and/or help, we can come to understand that the past is the past - there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on it, nor anything we can do to change it.

Projecting our minds to ponder on the future has a similar but different spin.  Unlike the past, where the outcome has already been revealed, the future and its possibilities are a wide open undetermined mystery.  Therein lays the trap.  If we allow ourselves, we can expand an abundant amount of mental power, playing the “what if” game – what if this happens? what if that happens? – and completely gloss over and miss the very twenty-four we are in.

The astonishing thing is our emotions are not immune from this forward thinking either.  Thoughts of future events can inflame unrealistic hope and extreme anxieties.  It’s amazing how we can work ourselves up over something that hasn’t even happened – with huge odds against them playing out the way we project them to in the first place.  Although we still do it.  We still allow ourselves to wrestle with future happenings over and over and over in our minds, wasting countless time and energy that could have been utilized in the NOW – the present – the twenty-four we’ve been given – the twenty-four we’re in – 

the only place we can truly live and do something about.

Regardless of the situation or circumstance we may find ourselves, who we are does not change.  We are a unique creation of the Most High with a set of unique skills, abilities, talents, gifts and personality that He has assembled in a unique way to create the only YOU there is.  There is no other YOU – never has been another YOU – nor will there ever be another YOU.  DNA proves what God has always known (it takes Science a little time to catch up with God).  

Therefore, BE and USE what God has given you

in the twenty-four you’ve been given.


We weren’t uniquely created for just kicks and giggles.  We were given life and expected to live out our uniquely created lives wherever we may be.  Know this, where you are today is not a surprise to God – He knows exactly where you are.  In fact, He allowed you to be where you are.  Yes…He’s got it like that.

Therefore, BE and USE what God has given you

wherever you may find yourself

in the twenty-four you’ve been given.

Throughout the course of any given twenty-four, most generally, we will encounter “others” as we go to and from the places God allows us to be.  There is no such thing as chance meetings – God orchestrates and ordains all.  These “others” that we encounter are placed in our path for a reason – sometimes us for them, and other times, them for us.  Additionally, the purpose of some encounters will be obvious, while others not so much.  Just remember, the greatest act of LOVE is to humble ourselves, give of ourselves and serve “others” – where they are (not location but situation and circumstance of life).

Therefore, BE and USE what God has given you

wherever you may find yourself

to love and serve “others” you encounter

in the twenty-four you’ve been given.

Lastly, we all have purpose.  The problem is a lot of the time we focus too much on the quest of discovering our purpose.  Or even worse, we stay trapped and paralyzed by our past instead of merely living our purpose in the twenty-four we’ve been given.  So what is our purpose for the twenty-four?  Simply put – SHINE – be a light – and bring glory to the One who created all.  The great surprise is as we link twenty-fours together, ultimately we live out our purpose.  

Therefore, BE and USE what God has given you

wherever you may find yourself

to love and serve “others” you encounter

in order to SHINE to bring glory to God

in the twenty-four you’ve been given.

Remember:  We are all some place “doing time.”  Twenty-four is twenty-four – in or out.

Big Love…
…from the inside…ray-ray





Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A glimpse from the outside…


Well, I’m not quite sure where to begin.  I don’t really know what to write about – ray-ray has the teaching and writing talents. (Oh, and by the way, I don’t have a cutesy little nickname for him, so he’s ray-ray – a name given him by old friends.)  I guess I will just try to share a little about where I’ve been and hopefully where I’m going.  God’s been teaching me A LOT – I’ll just share my heart, and leave the rest up to Him.  If nothing else, it’s good for me to put into words on paper all the good things He’s done for me.  So here goes…

As ray-ray mentioned in his last post, my life’s journey has been much different than his.  No one will be beating my door down asking for a book deal because of my outrageous transformation.  I was born into a Christian home, accepted Christ at a young age, was taught the right way to live, and I did my best not to deviate from that.  Of course there were challenges from time to time, but my testimony is one more of God’s protective grace in my life – shielding me from poor influences and bad decisions.  I attribute all of this to a great relationship with my parents and their loving and godly instruction in my life. 



Yet with this upbringing there were still some major heart issues and missed truths that needed to be addressed in my life.

Enter ray-ray.



When I met ray-ray, little did I know how much he would teach me and what a journey we would have.  As he said, it truly is a miracle of God that brought us together.  When I sit and think about the many different circumstances that placed us at the same university in the same office at the same time, I’m amazed.  The longer we go at this together, the more and more I know that it was God’s Divine appointment that brought us together.  

I needed him.

I had a concept of people, life, and God that needed some major adjusting.  I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for people to just live right.  I thought that God was happy with me when I was doing things to please Him and upset with me when I wasn’t.  I thought everything was black and white, cut and dry, no excuses and no exceptions.  Boy was I wrong.

One of the things that I initially admired about ray-ray was his knowledge of the Bible – for someone growing up attending church every time the door was open and then some, this was what I wanted in a life partner – someone who knew more about the Bible than me.  But with him, it was more than just knowledge.  He had experienced people, life, and God in a way that I never had – in a way that majorly challenged some of my views.   As our relationship grew, the Lord began to teach me more and more about Himself through my relationship with ray-ray – showing me His amazing redemptive grace, His ability to turn tragedy and failure into triumphs, and His unfailing love for us.  All of this in preparation for September 4, 2009.

That’s when our little storm began.

If you would have told me before all of this happened that I would go through something like this, I would have told you NO WAY, I’ll fall apart – I can’t handle it.  This is not the way my life played out in my childhood dreams.  But praise the Lord His plans are not our plans.  He has such a patient way of molding and shaping us into who He wants us to become, not who we think we should be.  

During September of 2009 as our world was spiraling out of control – one thing after another being brought to light and not knowing what the next day would hold – one word kept coming to my mind...

HOPE.

Now, don’t get me wrong, many days were just plain awful.  I cried so much, I wore waterproof mascara for a month straight…haha!  But I kept believing there was hope, and I kept telling myself that the Lord would provide for us and the Lord would work this out for good.  I didn’t know how, but I just kept telling myself and others that He would.  I didn’t take the time to think it out or worry about it, because I might have doubted it under the weight of it all.  So I just kept saying it.  I needed to say it.  I needed to hear it.  I needed to believe it.  

He was the only One that could make 
 sense of this mess that we were in.

And boy has He done that.  What a journey it’s been.  Even with my husband temporarily separated from me, and the task of running a household, managing our finances, working full-time and parenting a two-year old on my own, I can truly say I am so very grateful to be right where I’m at.  The Lord has continued to change my view of Him, people, and life.  I could go on and on about all of the things He has taught me and is still teaching me, although sometimes it’s hard to put it in the right words.  Maybe someday I’ll share more, but for now let me try to sum it up for you with what He’s taught me in these three areas.

Himself – He is so loving, gracious and good - ALWAYS.  I’ve known these things,
 but have truly experienced them in deeper ways these past 17 months.
And if it ever seems He’s not any of these things –
I’ve become cross-eyed (see part 11). 

People – no matter our position in life or our social status,
everyone has something they are struggling with or have struggled with.
By being open and honest about it, we find comfort, support, healing and hope.

Life – I don’t want it to be about me anymore. 
I want the Lord to use me to make a difference in the lives of others –
for His glory and His Kingdom. 
And if it means a little discomfort in this life,
Bring it on!  Because He is always loving, gracious, and good.

…from the outside…Lump